I’m getting ready to go on my first solo adventure. I’m headed to Acapulco on the 6th and I’ll be back on the 12th. Six nights in Mexico. The first time my feet will feel the Pacific Ocean. I’m nervous about doing it alone… the planes, the connections, the adventure, but I think I’m more excited than scared. I realize it’s probably entirely irresponsible to take a week off and play, but, I’m going with “carpe diem”. Travis and I waited to do amazing things together and now we’ll never get to do so many things that we dreamed of enjoying. I’m done waiting. I’m going to seize the day and do things instead of talking about doing things. Starting with Mexico.
Two great friends are meeting me there. The ticket was a gift. I’m lucky to have so much support and encouragement. Thank you to my friends. I have so many special people in my life. I don’t think I would have survived this without them.
Last night on “The Big Bang Theory” Leonard wanted a new Dining Room table. Needless to say, it freaked Sheldon out. I remember when we bought our first dining room table. I really felt like an adult. It was awesome!
Travis was such a good sport. Even when I bought only a table for a huge amount of money, thinking it came with all of the chairs. Then he was a good sport when I ordered the matching chairs. Then we didn’t live anywhere it fit, so it stayed in a box. The apartment I live in now is the first one that was big enough. I was so excited to find it a spot and entertain and have a couple come over to play a board game. I loved being married and entertaining. I’m not such a big fan of the single life. I really miss being someone’s wife.
One of the most difficult things I’ve encountered so far since Trav’s death is paperwork. All paper work I encounter wants to know my marital status. I LOVE circling “married” and I always have. Now I cry when I see that question. I made the nurse pick the first few times. When I broke my foot, I circled “widow”, not sure why it raises my blood pressure.
Morgan is an awesome puppy, so sweet and calm and funny and learning so quickly. I think we’ve already got “sit” down this morning. She gets so excited when I’m so excited. But, the “dad” is missing in our little family. Being a single parent was NEVER part of my plan.
Life happens. All around us and all of the time. It happens to us. I feel the to make one of my world famous lists to summarize my life over the past 63 days…
1. Travis died 63 days ago.
2. Hospitalized for 3 nights.
3. My first funeral since I was 16.
4. Started second semester of grad school.
5. Reconnected with old friends, established new relationships.
6. New puppy!
7. Fell and broke my foot.
8. T-boned while trying to drive home.
So I’m taking a rental car home with Morgan tomorrow. I’m struggling with reasons why all of this craziness has happened in the past two weeks after I felt like I was learning to cope. Here’s what I’ve come up with …
1. Life sucks sometimes but we have to move forward. No one else can do it for me.
2. People who truly care about you will step up and help you. You learn how to ask for and accept help during difficult times. You learn who really cares.
3. Anxiety sucks but I have to deal with it.
4. Life can always be worse. Don’t challenge it or feel entitled to a break or special privileges, because life will show you that you’re not special.
5. Time to think and reevaluate is a treasure. It helps you make sure you are headed it the right direction.
6. Driving in a cast is a bad idea. Removing your own cast is not a good idea. Alls well that ends well.
I miss Travis a lot the past few days. I miss my best friend. He was always there to listen and I have so much insanity in my world right now and I just want to talk it through with him. He was a good listener and always told me exactly what he thought, no sugar coating. He knew me so well that I didn’t have to explain the background of things or why I felt the way I did; he just knew.
I miss my best friend, the man who’d hold me while I cried, whether I was having a major problem or just when I was having a meltdown because I have never been good about not over thinking things. Crying without him to hold me feels so strange. I think that’s why I’ve largely just stopped crying even though I’m still so lost and sad and uncertain of everything that’s going on in my world. It’s interesting though, because, I feel like this blog is a way to communicate with him even though I realize that is ridiculous. No matter what I’m writing about, when I blog, tears fall down my cheeks.
There is something really insane going on in my life that I’m not ready to share with anyone yet, but it’s killing me not to be able to have a conversation with Travis about it all. I just want him to hold me and listen while I think and cry and ramble on endlessly, wildly over explaining myself. I want him to brush my hair out of my face, kiss my forehead and remind me to breathe. He was one of the very few people who get to know “emotional raw Christi”. Most people only know “rational Christi”. She’s the one that always does what makes the most sense, thinks things through completely backward and forward and keeps a cool head. I’m largely keeping “emotional raw Christi” bottled up but it’s getting really hard to deal with her alone. I feel so largely alone at times. It’s very scary to feel empty.
I am still in Michigan, in Standish, actually, staying with family and enjoying the break while my foot heals enough to drive home. Part of me is tempted to just not go home, although that isn’t something “rational Christi” will allow to happen. I wish I could just pay someone to pack up my stuff and Leo and bring it all to me. Do I know what I’d do with it once it got here? Nope. Not at all. I don’t have a source of income here. I can’t complete my degree from here. I just desperately want a fresh start somewhere of my own. With my beautiful little family of 3.
Morgan is so much fun. She’s already up to 18lbs and she loves having my cousin’s children to play with every day. I feel guilty when I think about taking her home because she’ll be lonely without “her kids”. I don’t have a big backyard for her to play in and run. I don’t have kids to chase her around and tickle her belly. I’m pretty calm, quiet and boring by myself. I know I’m dealing with insecurities and some level of depression and I’m relying on her to help me dig out of that “Pit of Despair”. Sigh.
I’m still in Michigan. My foot is broken still, of course, and I just don’t think I can drive on it. I’m going to try to drive around the block tomorrow and see how that goes. Putting pressure on it through the cast and the little rubber piece/shoe thingy I can strap to the bottom is very painful but manageable… I’m just not sure I can drive 8 hours plus Morgan stops on it.
I’m so very grateful that Karie and Rich have been insanely awesome while I take over their sofa and most of their livingroom and smell bad because I’m having trouble with bathing and my new baby demands so very much of them and their carpet. It just reminds me that family doesn’t have to be blood. And I’ve gotten to see my Uncle Jim every day, which is very special to me. He’s always been a father to me and spending time together is something I treasure so much.
So this morning my phone rang at 10am. Most of you know that I hate the telephone but it said Morgantown and I figured I’d better answer it. It was my social security “appointment” call. It only took about 15 minutes. A bunch of yes or no questions and in about 14 days I’ll have the SS lump sum death payment via check because I didn’t bring my check book with me and I can’t remember my bank account number. $255.00. The man I spoke with kept apologizing. I knew already but it makes me laugh. That doesn’t cover the cost of anything. Hilarious. It’ll almost pay March’s car payment. I hate thinking about money. Hopefully I go home to a death certificate and from there I can work towards worker’s compensation making a slightly more reasonable payout and then I can make some plans for the future for real.
I feel the need to have a fresh start of sorts. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I really want and a fresh start is what I really want. I want to finish my MS and then move somewhere I’ve never been before. With my beautiful family of Leo and Morgan. I don’t know what I want to do there but I just know I want something that is entirely my own. I just want to prove to myself and everyone else that I’m really okay, because, whether it’s too fast or wrong or whatever, I AM okay.
We had so many amazing adventures together but now, I’m ready to have my own adventures!
I’ll never forget Travis and I miss him like crazy, but perhaps it’s my logical brain taking over… I realize I can’t have him back and I just accept that. I’m proud of the things I’m figuring out how to do on my own. Back to “one day at a time” mindset perhaps? Definitely. That being said, I can’t help but think about the future and want I want for me. Despite potential judgement, I think that it’s an incredibly health response and I want to be okay. All of the people that love me want me to be okay too.
So, I can check social security off my list of crazy widow chores.
The last week has been insanity, but not bad insanity. Let me make one of my famous lists:
1. I went and got Morgan. We are now up to a family of 3. I am madly in love with her already.
2. I tripped and missed a step, breaking a bone in my foot. While it’s wildly painful, I’m enjoying the forced break. It’s giving me the obligation to slow down and think things through. I’m having an amazing time getting to know my cousins better and reconnecting with my cousin Karie who was one of my best childhood pals.
3. Yup, I broke my foot. I must have done something horrible in a past life. Maybe I was Hitler?
I’m a little cloudy and in a little pain but I’m really okay. One day at a time has been my motto since Travis died, so I’m going to go with it.
I don’t even know what to say. I just feel numb again. Which is really weird because I thought I was done with numb and wrapping up the hysterical crying stage.
I took off my wedding ring today. Every time I look at it it makes me sad. I’m not married anymore. I don’t know if it was the right choice or the wrong choice. And it’s not as if I threw it in the river; I can put it back on if I want.
Two days until I go to go to Michigan and three days to get my Morgan. I’m not sure why but I’m a little nervous. I’m not nervous about Morgan… Im nervous about the driving and nervous about being a good single puppy mom.
I’m going with that “ignore my budget woes for now and see what happens” approach. It’s probably not a good long-term plan but it’s working in the short-term.