I find myself in an interesting “stage” of grief. The last two days I am essentially just ignoring Travis. Nothing reminds me of him. The few moments that I do remember him I am so angry at him for abandoning me that it makes me want to vomit. I would say that the pain it causes and the emotions that it’s causing are remanent of true hatred.
He promised me forever… How dare he abandoned me and leave me alone at 29 years old? We had plans! We were supposed to go on an Alaskan cruise in June in honor of my 30th birthday. We were supposed to go this Friday and pick up our Morgan, our puppy together and my Christmas gift. We were supposed to raise her together. We were going to explore all the trails in West Virginia and Pennsylvania and anywhere else we could think of.
We were supposed to encourage each other and support each other in this great adventure of graduate school. Instead I find myself barely making it, grasping on the edge of a cliff with no one to pull me back up.
I’m doing everything in my power with the help of some incredibly kind people to drop my classes for the semester and take research credit only. I’m just not cutting it this semester. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t ready to go back yet. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to admit so far to everyone else, but most of all to myself. I am not the kind of person that gives up and I feel like a failure. I’m embarrassed and ashamed and it brings me to tears just to think about it.
Everyone has been wonderful and encouraging and supportive and bent over backwards to try to help me. It’s so very frustrating how many of these things I have to deal with them cope with alone even though I do have a strong support system.
People are coming out of the woodwork to share their stories and offer their support. Sometimes I really appreciate it and sometimes it infuriates me. I don’t know when something someone does is going to make me want to scream. Or it’s going to trigger a memory and make me want to cry hysterically.
If you are one of the people who has witnessed me crying hysterically in response to you telling me that you planted a tree in your backyard or you saw a great new movie, I’m really sorry. Apparently coping with the loss of your husband brings out a new level of crazy. I’m able to laugh at the ridiculously insensitive things that a few people said, but when someone is genuinely kind? It tends to bring out the crazy. The hysterical sobbing uncontrollable crazy.
It’s 2 AM so I suppose I should call into my pit of despair (stolen line) and try to sleep. Why is it that I am so tired and I can’t sleep?
Note to Travis: Today I hate you. I’m really sorry about that but I do. I don’t forgive you for abandoning me and our kitty and our puppy. I don’t forgive you for leaving me to take the garbage out. I don’t forgive you for leaving me to figure out what the rest of my life is without you.
Christi Raines is a member of the “young widows club”, widowed at just 29 years old on Christmas morning. Her husband has been dead 48 days. They were married 10 1/2 years. Christi can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or via, on this website.